Sunday, May 25, 2008

Total chaos

So let me tell you about my chaotic weekend.

It all started Friday night...with a faint second line. Every test I had taken previously was totally negative. The space to the left of the control line was white as snow. But not this time. There was a line! Chris could see it so I knew I wasn't crazy. I was so excited and couldn't wait to tell M&B, but I wanted to be sure so I waited until Saturday morning and tested again. I took a strip test and there was a line but it was lighter than the one the night before. I took a digital and it said Not Pregnant.

Disappointment set in and I knew this was not going to be easy. I had imagined and planned out this wonderful scenario where I got a bright beautiful positive test, then took a digital test and recorded it on my camera as the test popped up to say "Pregnant". I was going to record an excited congratulatory message for M&B and send it to them. That's how it was supposed to happen. Instead, Saturday morning I cried and kept it to myself. My perfectly thought out plan wasn't going to happen. I was glad I hadn't told them yet.

Saturday night I decided I would test again. After all....false positives are incredibly rare. Let alone getting several of them. So I took another test, and the line came up darker than the previous tests. My hope was renewed. I was happy, yet reserved and nervous. If I tell them about these positive tests, will the next one I take be negative? Will that moment of excitement and joy be ripped away from all of us? I fretted about whether or not to tell them yet. I decided I would sleep on it and decide in the morning.

This morning's test was very faint. This is where I decided to STOP PEEING ON TESTS. It's only going to stress me out and drive us all crazy. I got several positive tests, although the darker lines were always in the evening, which is typically the reverse of how it should be. I sent M an email telling her what was going on and about the difference in the lines on the tests. I didnt want to disappoint her, but I also didnt want to get her hopes up just in case I ended up with the worst luck on the planet and got several false positives. I then decided to send her a picture of the test so she could see it for herself.

Today we are 7dp6dt. Still technically early for testing. I'm going with the feeling of "I'm pregnant" until proven otherwise. My blood test is on Friday the 30th, however they may move it up since I've gotten some positive tests. I do feel pregnant now. I have a feeling of fullness in my lower abdomen, with the pulling/stretching sensations I've felt previously with my own kids.

I ended up calling M because time had gone by and she hadn't checked her email. I figured it would be better to call anyways. It was a great conversation and I can tell they are excited but reserved, as anyone would be. In this situation its so much more nervewracking since so many peoples' futures and happiness are at stake and at this point, its hard to trust faint positives. Once we get the blood test back and my number is good, I think we'll all celebrate in our own way.

This weekend has been an emotional roller coaster. As a surrogate, its a lot of weight to bear to know that one little test carries the happiness of all involved parties. We want the fairytale experience....pregnant on the first try, no morning sickness, no health scares, easy labor & delivery, lifelong friendship with our IPs. I've read enough stories online to know that it rarely goes this well, but it CAN and it DOES. And I wont lose hope that we will have that fairytale experience.

So we all sit on pins and needles until the blood test. If it is negative, will I regret getting their hopes up with the faint lines I have gotten? M&B are wonderful IPs and I am very comfortable telling them anything and everything...but I don't want to be the reason for any sadness. But common is it to get several false positive tests? I think its slim to none, so I am standing here and proclaiming that I am, indeed, pregnant and that M&B will be parents around 2/2/2009.

1 comment:

Loree said...

oh what a rollercoaster. i highly suggest you keep away from the poas from here on out. you can always do what i did and poas after the blood test and see those "i'm pregnant" words pop up.

i really hope the test gets pushed up for all involved!!

i can't wait to see a picture of the positive test.